i used to write so passionately….i used to write amazing poetry….i used to write from such grand moments of life that it was as if i wasn’t the writer the experience was writing its self out….it wanted to be heard wanted to speak wanted to tell me that what i was feeling and breathing and being was real…
i’ve stopped for some time now…i don’t know why really…it just happened…
i started thinking lately how do some people maintain a constant level of passion for something and not let it disperse or dissipate into the sky…how do some people continue to be passionate about something in the same way that they felt the first day they discovered that passion? how do you stretch it out, make it last, keep going with it, day after day year after year?
i change so often. things around me change so often. that passion changes with it. love is the main force that has remained unchanged. all else has come and gone and re invented its self into a new form and i’ve excepted it, but perhaps not with the same type of fierce passion.
is it age? growing up, growing older, does it shift passions intensity? i don’t know…wish i did…
today i woke up. again. how many layers of sleep am i hiding under??? every time i think “this time i’ve really woken up” i still seem to find a deeper layer to peel. wow. what have i done to myself to bury me so deep inside so many different sleeps. i wonder what this layer has to show me. very excited.
so deep, that you feel as though you are fully there. you feel as though it is fully your reality. i dreamt last night, (an awake dream) and a voice deep within my dream softly and powerfully spoke to me. I Love You. this voice spoke this to me three times and the last time that it said it, is when i actually understood and felt to the core of my heart what this love was, what this love felt, what this love ment and where this love came from. i don’t think i have ever given any recognition to myself. you always give recognition to those around you family friends animals whatever whoever but never does one give a love recognition to oneself. and last night i got a chance to feel this recognition. and it felt magnificent!
when i was younger, maybe 6 or 7, i remember sitting in my balcony on the second floor during night time and gazing at the street light across from our building shine as brightly as the sun. i would stare for hours, lost in its glow, in its magic. i remember being this way for a few years. then one day i stopped looking, and life became busy (we moved countries). then when i was 13 or 14, in a new country, i remember sitting in my balcony two stories high and drifting again into the gentle glow of a street light. i have to explain though, during this time, in those moments of being completely absorbed, i would lose all concept of time of space of really anything and i floated inside my imagination without even leaving the floor i was sitting on. this was an amazing time for me. it was effortless, and i was able to be this way for another few years. i also remember that during these particular times of drifting into my imagination or inside the heart of the universe i had the most amazing dreams. dreams that to this day i carry with me. these moments where i felt at complete ease and in complete trust of all that surrounded me and all that was me also had this particular fragrance about it. in those days, even sitting in class i could transport myself into another world even though it was a millisecond of a feeling it was powerful enough to have a lasting effect on me. i could look at a picture, like the one in my spanish class of an old country house somewhere in the country side of an Andalucía village, and for a moment i could feel myself there, seeing smelling feeling all that was. it was real. years later i went to travel and it all felt like home to me. because i had already visited them years before from the pictures hanging in a spanish class. then, one day it stopped. this time it stopped for a while. i just couldn’t sit anymore for long periods of time and just be. it was all lost. life was too busy. and i started searching just like everyone else does when life becomes an unrecognizable force. i searched through traveling more, i searched through writing i searched through philosophies and religions and traditions and just couldn’t get that ability, that natural ability, to feel deeper into life again. and so this went on for a while, some days better than others, but overall the incredible dreams were gone and my imagination was feeling daunted at my efforts to reignite its fire. then one day, i gave birth. and her soul embraced me and said don’t worry i am here to guide you back on your path. and so, i am being guided back, to where i know myself to be of my truest form. being in love with her in such an unconditional way and noticing all the details of her being i have begun to sit in patience again and to be still again without trying. it is as it was. natural.
and so it happens. somewhere in life, somehow you get lost. you forget about who you are. and most importantly, you forget that life is, magical. it’s sad really. but in the path of growing older a myriad of experiences weave themselves into a thick curtain blocking your view of what once was, and is, but you can’t see. hurt, painful moments, horrible words, responsibilities, duties, love, hate, war and peace all come at you and your mind takes you away from your heart and leaves you in the depths of doubt and disbelief that truly life was and is magical. and so this happened to me as well. somewhere my path of growing older i forgot about the magic. i forgot to believe. i loved, but forgot the magic in love. up until my baby was born. in kundalini they believe that when you are about to feel enlightenment a blue energy rises up your spine. her blue eyes at times do the same for me. i see her. and she sees who i am. she knows. there is nothing to be spoken about. being with her is like going down a forgotten journey. a journey i took in life and then forgot. she helps me. to remember. becoming a mother, being with her, stopping to take care of her and love her has shown me a shortcut to find my way back into the magic again. waking up to her light has helped me tremendously. i feel as though i had been asleep for some time. more than that, sad to say, i feel as though i had given up without really saying the words. a world, a life that looses it’s magic it’s just hard to wake up to. but you do it anyway because that’s what is expected of you. my god. it shouldn’t be that way! everyone should have the magic return to them. everyone should remember that there is more to it, than a scheduled life. everyone needs to find that magic. it’s hard, to pinpoint exactly where it was that you fell, that you let go of you of life of being friends with each other. maybe it’s not necessary to find the fall, but just realizing that it happened and allowing your wings to grow back and take you on your flight again. as they say, better late than never. it’s kind of like that movie Inception, where you are living in a dream within a dream within a dream. except it’s become a nightmare in a nightmare and it’s all covering up what is real. and what is real, is magic.
when i first found out i was going to have a baby, i wasn’t really sure what to think. it wasn’t an automatic joyous reaction, but more along the lines of nervous, unsure of the future, what this meant as far as who i was and how my life was going to be. it wasn’t planned, so it caught me a bit off guard and i kept the news to myself for the first month. there was also the dilemma of how to pay for this pregnancy. my insurance through my work was horrible and most of the costs was going to be out of pocket, so that just made the first trimester difficult to deal with until my cousin edit offered me a solution and an insurance plan she had used. this worked out great and so since the ease of insurance fell into place i became a bit more positive and relaxed about the pregnancy. when i told my husband nico he couldn’t have been more happy! he was like a little kid just giddy to the core of his heart about the new baby entering into our lives. telling him must have been the best thing and i wish i hadn’t waited so long because seeing his happiness made me feel more at ease and at peace. i had an amazing pregnancy. got to take some kundalini yoga classes and during meditation i had some great revelations about the little being inside of me. i had several instances during breathing exercises where i felt my soul plunge into my skin and swim with my baby’s. we had several moments of connecting and understanding each other without words being spoken, just two souls humming to the tune of eternal love. i also started to be more aware of my baby’s presence in the progression of the pregnancy. at times i felt how wise she already was, i felt how enlightened her spirit was and felt bad that i had lost my youthful spirituality. when the time came to give birth, lusine took her time and came a week after her due date. it wasn’t the easiest of deliveries, but i was blessed to have experienced the miracle of giving birth. the moment i pushed her out i turned my head to a room full of loving people sharing in my joy with tears in everyone’s eyes. the first moment i saw her, and held her, my body was in pure ecstasy and her eyes again spoke to me of how much wisdom she possessed. we knew each other so well, all the years of being me and forgetting me and losing me and finding me flashed before me in a haze and my heart filled with the utmost pouring of joy and love that i did not know how to contain myself, my spirit to the hospital bed. lusine’s eyes pierced into me and made me feel ashamed of how i had let my soul drift from me time to time. she made me remember who sona is. she made me conscious.
i woke up this morning to a majestic sky streaked with golden highlights and amber tints. shook me to my core of how the world wakes up with me with such silent beauty. i’ve been silent for a while. i gave birth about four months ago to a blue eyed baby girl who has become the center of my world. being a mom for the first time, i found it hard to write. all my energies have been focused on taking care of lusine. she is it. i came to terms and to a slow acceptance that writing no longer was in my world. that my boat with writing had sailed. this wasn’t easy to do, but every day i gave in little by little till the notion of writing was far beyond my reaches. it wasn’t easy to accept but i didn’t want to go against the natural forces of life. before i never had to think about writing, it always just came to me. beautiful words spun themselves into sentences and intoxicated me with their existence and i went along with them and played for as long as they would let me. but having a baby the ease of this talent sunk and words no longer came out to serenade me. so i did what i thought was the right thing, i let them go and let them be…without me. until this morning, with the grandeur of the universe waking up with me in such colors that it melted my heart. i got a call today from an old friend. out of the blue. she is one of the best treasures i have found in this life and i hold to her dearly. my fondest memory of carolyn goes back more than ten years ago in prague floating on the vltava river in mid morning on a nearly empty boat with her singing “que sera sera” and drawing a picture in someone’s graffiti book. i fell in love with her instantly! she was magic! and so today this very day that the sky spoke to my heart she called me and she called me out. i mean that. she called me out! she called the me that was tucked inside ready to give all this up, out! “for gawd sakes sona write!” and then there were also some profanities in that conversation. so, carolyn, here i am, baby taking a nap, and im writing. like you said, one word at a time.
Days creep in front in back and all around me. I am engulfed by the thickness of its hold on me. My senses collide into the eye of its cyclone. A thunderous moment virtuous in its path. Long has it been invisible but not in my eyes. My eyes have seen its marking on my skin, has seen the indentations of the blood that I have dropped for its presence.
I take you everywhere with me. I carry your burden, your past, present and your future. I carry you and feel your words over power my thoughts. Feel the pages fill as they empty me out. You take my hair and pull back the sea that swims inside my thoughts.
Ever see night stand at your sight? Collide with the wings of a flying fish, find the breath that has been long deceased. I find my eyes to still wander the towns pressed by tongues slithering across. Time stands on top as the blankets get pulled back uncovering flesh atop stripped flesh in friction in lust.
Looking back, I find a residue in the gravel that has fitted into the crevasses of my night. Vast is the thought that creates the space that transforms to grace and lights the ancient ways.
Tomorrow not today, always ahead in preparation for the battles begun. Night never sleeps. Dreams awake, and you may now find peace.
A month in memory of years gone by. Dark cloud cluster, swallow the love whole, left in distances words do not articulate, movements slow their pace becoming like statues outside of dreams. Mind pains the taking of swords, steps to one side while stones enter the field. All is at a halt, concealed from beneath mountains where volcanoes dwell building fire for our hearts.
My grandmother says she married when she was fifteen years old and didn’t know what love was. She played by the creek when she was married and afterwards she had the added responsibility of weaving majestic Persian rugs for her in-laws.
It took three years for her to have her first daughter and that’s when she found that love was there. I asked her if she told my grandfather that she loved him and she got mad at me and said, “why are you asking such unintelligent questions! He didn’t need to hear it, he already knew!”
We get so lost in words these days that we forget the unspoken language that exists as well. Sometimes there is no need to speak what is already clear through action through touch through just the purity of what the eyes hold.
She is as she has always been. A survivor, born after her fathers death. She says the time she had with my grandfather was full of love and that he was an amazing man to her. But now she has forgotten the exact feeling of what that love was that she felt. But she knows it was love. From the beginning until his departure which came to soon for her.
In the midst of desires and fires, there is a clearing within the hot rain spurting out of the sky like an erupted volcano. Clearing in the mind, clearing in the heart.
Dreams now speak in metaphors and I find myself fighting to undo what has been, for so long, an extra skin.
In the beginning there was sun and sand and my toes touched the heart of earth.
It becomes easy to fall into the core of love. To once again believe in the possibility of its fruits, to be wild in its passion. Stem into directions of relinquished baths bursting in ecstatic joys filing the tips of my hair with unbound trembling. Love has resurfaced. Its rose scented oil cares for my fragile hands which touch the sounds of unshakable thoughts. The truth that lies within the many barriers of lines drawn to fit my image in. Years it has taken, but it was all worth this moment, it was all worth opening and walking into the new door, this new angle into the realm of you, my dearest friend. Life.
I am inside a vessel of dreams.