two stories high

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when i was younger, maybe 6 or 7, i remember sitting in my balcony on the second floor during night time and gazing at the street light across from our building shine as brightly as the sun. i would stare for hours, lost in its glow, in its magic. i remember being this way for a few years. then one day i stopped looking, and life became busy (we moved countries). then when i was 13 or 14, in a new country, i remember sitting in my balcony two stories high and drifting again into the gentle glow of a street light. i have to explain though, during this time, in those moments of being completely absorbed, i would lose all concept of time of space of really anything and i floated inside my imagination without even leaving the floor i was sitting on. this was an amazing time for me. it was effortless, and i was able to be this way for another few years. i also remember that during these particular times of drifting into my imagination or inside the heart of the universe i had the most amazing dreams. dreams that to this day i carry with me. these moments where i felt at complete ease and in complete trust of all that surrounded me and all that was me also had this particular fragrance about it. in those days, even sitting in class i could transport myself into another world even though it was a millisecond of a feeling it was powerful enough to have a lasting effect on me. i could look at a picture, like the one in my spanish class of an old country house somewhere in the country side of an AndalucĂ­a village, and for a moment i could feel myself there, seeing smelling feeling all that was. it was real. years later i went to travel and it all felt like home to me. because i had already visited them years before from the pictures hanging in a spanish class. then, one day it stopped. this time it stopped for a while. i just couldn’t sit anymore for long periods of time and just be. it was all lost. life was too busy. and i started searching just like everyone else does when life becomes an unrecognizable force. i searched through traveling more, i searched through writing i searched through philosophies and religions and traditions and just couldn’t get that ability, that natural ability, to feel deeper into life again. and so this went on for a while, some days better than others, but overall the incredible dreams were gone and my imagination was feeling daunted at my efforts to reignite its fire. then one day, i gave birth. and her soul embraced me and said don’t worry i am here to guide you back on your path. and so, i am being guided back, to where i know myself to be of my truest form. being in love with her in such an unconditional way and noticing all the details of her being i have begun to sit in patience again and to be still again without trying. it is as it was. natural.

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