when i first found out i was going to have a baby, i wasn’t really sure what to think. it wasn’t an automatic joyous reaction, but more along the lines of nervous, unsure of the future, what this meant as far as who i was and how my life was going to be. it wasn’t planned, so it caught me a bit off guard and i kept the news to myself for the first month. there was also the dilemma of how to pay for this pregnancy. my insurance through my work was horrible and most of the costs was going to be out of pocket, so that just made the first trimester difficult to deal with until my cousin edit offered me a solution and an insurance plan she had used. this worked out great and so since the ease of insurance fell into place i became a bit more positive and relaxed about the pregnancy. when i told my husband nico he couldn’t have been more happy! he was like a little kid just giddy to the core of his heart about the new baby entering into our lives. telling him must have been the best thing and i wish i hadn’t waited so long because seeing his happiness made me feel more at ease and at peace. i had an amazing pregnancy. got to take some kundalini yoga classes and during meditation i had some great revelations about the little being inside of me. i had several instances during breathing exercises where i felt my soul plunge into my skin and swim with my baby’s. we had several moments of connecting and understanding each other without words being spoken, just two souls humming to the tune of eternal love. i also started to be more aware of my baby’s presence in the progression of the pregnancy. at times i felt how wise she already was, i felt how enlightened her spirit was and felt bad that i had lost my youthful spirituality. when the time came to give birth, lusine took her time and came a week after her due date. it wasn’t the easiest of deliveries, but i was blessed to have experienced the miracle of giving birth. the moment i pushed her out i turned my head to a room full of loving people sharing in my joy with tears in everyone’s eyes. the first moment i saw her, and held her, my body was in pure ecstasy and her eyes again spoke to me of how much wisdom she possessed. we knew each other so well, all the years of being me and forgetting me and losing me and finding me flashed before me in a haze and my heart filled with the utmost pouring of joy and love that i did not know how to contain myself, my spirit to the hospital bed. lusine’s eyes pierced into me and made me feel ashamed of how i had let my soul drift from me time to time. she made me remember who sona is. she made me conscious.
i woke up this morning to a majestic sky streaked with golden highlights and amber tints. shook me to my core of how the world wakes up with me with such silent beauty. i’ve been silent for a while. i gave birth about four months ago to a blue eyed baby girl who has become the center of my world. being a mom for the first time, i found it hard to write. all my energies have been focused on taking care of lusine. she is it. i came to terms and to a slow acceptance that writing no longer was in my world. that my boat with writing had sailed. this wasn’t easy to do, but every day i gave in little by little till the notion of writing was far beyond my reaches. it wasn’t easy to accept but i didn’t want to go against the natural forces of life. before i never had to think about writing, it always just came to me. beautiful words spun themselves into sentences and intoxicated me with their existence and i went along with them and played for as long as they would let me. but having a baby the ease of this talent sunk and words no longer came out to serenade me. so i did what i thought was the right thing, i let them go and let them be…without me. until this morning, with the grandeur of the universe waking up with me in such colors that it melted my heart. i got a call today from an old friend. out of the blue. she is one of the best treasures i have found in this life and i hold to her dearly. my fondest memory of carolyn goes back more than ten years ago in prague floating on the vltava river in mid morning on a nearly empty boat with her singing “que sera sera” and drawing a picture in someone’s graffiti book. i fell in love with her instantly! she was magic! and so today this very day that the sky spoke to my heart she called me and she called me out. i mean that. she called me out! she called the me that was tucked inside ready to give all this up, out! “for gawd sakes sona write!” and then there were also some profanities in that conversation. so, carolyn, here i am, baby taking a nap, and im writing. like you said, one word at a time.