when i was younger, maybe 6 or 7, i remember sitting in my balcony on the second floor during night time and gazing at the street light across from our building shine as brightly as the sun. i would stare for hours, lost in its glow, in its magic. i remember being this way for a few years. then one day i stopped looking, and life became busy (we moved countries). then when i was 13 or 14, in a new country, i remember sitting in my balcony two stories high and drifting again into the gentle glow of a street light. i have to explain though, during this time, in those moments of being completely absorbed, i would lose all concept of time of space of really anything and i floated inside my imagination without even leaving the floor i was sitting on. this was an amazing time for me. it was effortless, and i was able to be this way for another few years. i also remember that during these particular times of drifting into my imagination or inside the heart of the universe i had the most amazing dreams. dreams that to this day i carry with me. these moments where i felt at complete ease and in complete trust of all that surrounded me and all that was me also had this particular fragrance about it. in those days, even sitting in class i could transport myself into another world even though it was a millisecond of a feeling it was powerful enough to have a lasting effect on me. i could look at a picture, like the one in my spanish class of an old country house somewhere in the country side of an Andalucía village, and for a moment i could feel myself there, seeing smelling feeling all that was. it was real. years later i went to travel and it all felt like home to me. because i had already visited them years before from the pictures hanging in a spanish class. then, one day it stopped. this time it stopped for a while. i just couldn’t sit anymore for long periods of time and just be. it was all lost. life was too busy. and i started searching just like everyone else does when life becomes an unrecognizable force. i searched through traveling more, i searched through writing i searched through philosophies and religions and traditions and just couldn’t get that ability, that natural ability, to feel deeper into life again. and so this went on for a while, some days better than others, but overall the incredible dreams were gone and my imagination was feeling daunted at my efforts to reignite its fire. then one day, i gave birth. and her soul embraced me and said don’t worry i am here to guide you back on your path. and so, i am being guided back, to where i know myself to be of my truest form. being in love with her in such an unconditional way and noticing all the details of her being i have begun to sit in patience again and to be still again without trying. it is as it was. natural.
Monthly Archives: February 2012
what is real?
and so it happens. somewhere in life, somehow you get lost. you forget about who you are. and most importantly, you forget that life is, magical. it’s sad really. but in the path of growing older a myriad of experiences weave themselves into a thick curtain blocking your view of what once was, and is, but you can’t see. hurt, painful moments, horrible words, responsibilities, duties, love, hate, war and peace all come at you and your mind takes you away from your heart and leaves you in the depths of doubt and disbelief that truly life was and is magical. and so this happened to me as well. somewhere my path of growing older i forgot about the magic. i forgot to believe. i loved, but forgot the magic in love. up until my baby was born. in kundalini they believe that when you are about to feel enlightenment a blue energy rises up your spine. her blue eyes at times do the same for me. i see her. and she sees who i am. she knows. there is nothing to be spoken about. being with her is like going down a forgotten journey. a journey i took in life and then forgot. she helps me. to remember. becoming a mother, being with her, stopping to take care of her and love her has shown me a shortcut to find my way back into the magic again. waking up to her light has helped me tremendously. i feel as though i had been asleep for some time. more than that, sad to say, i feel as though i had given up without really saying the words. a world, a life that looses it’s magic it’s just hard to wake up to. but you do it anyway because that’s what is expected of you. my god. it shouldn’t be that way! everyone should have the magic return to them. everyone should remember that there is more to it, than a scheduled life. everyone needs to find that magic. it’s hard, to pinpoint exactly where it was that you fell, that you let go of you of life of being friends with each other. maybe it’s not necessary to find the fall, but just realizing that it happened and allowing your wings to grow back and take you on your flight again. as they say, better late than never. it’s kind of like that movie Inception, where you are living in a dream within a dream within a dream. except it’s become a nightmare in a nightmare and it’s all covering up what is real. and what is real, is magic.